“My spider sense is tingling…it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no, it’s my date?!”

Comic books and graphic novels have always been popular and for a good number of decades too, with the earliest comics dating back to the 1930s.  Consequently, TV shows, films and computer games based on the superhuman characters have flooded the media and nearly everybody could name at least two or three in an online quiz or similar.  We just can’t seem to get enough of the fantasy lives of the Superheroes played out before our eyes.  Big, blockbuster movies are consistently drawing huge numbers of fans to the cinema and just as soon as the latest all-action film has been released, there’s another fast on its tail encouraging us all to come back for more.

So why does everyone seem to love a superhero?  What qualities do they have that makes them so special?  Well, that’s a ridiculous question really! Of course, they have super-strength, they can do things like fly, have x-ray vision, are able to morph into something else (like an ant – not the type of metamorphism I’d be after but don’t knock is until you’ve seen him in action!), turn green (hmm… a less compelling attribute to reference not to mention the frustration of ruined clothes), make webs (of the spider variety rather than an online presence – just to be clear!) from their wrists, and so the list goes on.

Both male and female superheroes are usually attractive, with plenty of muscles, and typically good to look at! They have cool gadgets, and outfits (though some are a bit dodgy if you ask me but I’m not going to challenge them on their dress sense).

Ultimately, despite their often troubled personal lives and complex lifestyles, they seek to right the wrongs, stop the villains, rescue the vulnerable and save not just the town, country, continent and world but the entire universe. They’ll traverse the most hostile environments to bring about justice, peace and harmony where fear and terror reign.

They aren’t perfect, they have their flaws, lose their temper, make errors of judgment (it makes them so much more relatable don’t you think, for us mere mortals?!) but good wins out no matter what sacrifice needs to be made.  In short, they have an unwavering moral compass when it comes to doing what is fundamentally ‘right’.

On paper and ‘in action’, they do seem like date-worthy kinds of people but in truth, we would probably feel awkward and intimidated.  Or perhaps you think otherwise?  There is that small detail too that even if a date with Thor, Wonder Woman or Superman were possible, they don’t actually exist.  I hope that I’ve not just spoilt your dreams with that fact!

So, if you’re thinking that this blog is going to be one of those blogs that says something about it being a waste of time aspiring after an out of reach fictional character that is based on the vivid imagination of comic book creators, that is simply fantasy in every respect, then you’d be correct.  However, I’m equally saying that we should aspire to having a solid relationship with someone who has ‘superhero’ qualities!  Is this getting confusing and do I sound as though I’m contradicting myself?

Ok, I have some explaining to do here.  Superheroes are usually known for their abilities and those abilities are what set them apart.  Even as you read this, you may be thinking of a superhero that has particular traits that you think are awesome.  For example, some of you may think being able to fly is amazing, however, others may think that’s the last thing you would like (especially if you have a fear of heights, speed and suffer from travel sickness!).

When thinking about starting a relationship with someone in the real world, whilst you won’t actually be thinking ‘I hope they turn green and become very strong when angry’ (again, the ‘green thing’ is not the best example I could have come up with as an aspiring superhero quality), you probably have some ideas about what you believe is important.  In my experience, finding someone who has certain characteristics that reflect values that are important to me is absolutely something that I believe should be encouraged and has made a difference to me in my relationship (and in my friendships too).  When we find someone with those aspirational (‘superhero’ type) qualities, we are drawn to that person which is what makes them special to us and potentially ‘out of this world’.

Before you think, this all sounds very idealistic and that I must be existing in some made-up planet in the far reaches of my brain, here me out.

What I’m not suggesting is that we go on a quest to find an individual that is ‘practically perfect in every way’ (hang-on, I might be slipping into another genre here, I’ll try and leave this one and ‘pop-in’ to Superheroes again…).  We won’t find someone who is perfect because they don’t exist and as amazing as you and I may also feel we are, you know that we’re not perfect either.  But what we can look for is someone who is able to demonstrate some of these qualities and is willing to put the time and effort into a relationship through some self-reflection.  This of course must go both ways.  In any relationship, I know that I need to ‘make an effort’ and try and consider the other person and not expect them to do all of the hard work.

I think that there are basic (though not always easy) qualities that can very much make someone a ‘superhero’.  Last month, the ‘Explore more!’ blog was on trust (To trust or not to trust: That is THE question.).  Trust is immensely important and in my opinion, I think we should look for someone who is trustworthy.  Of course, we know from the blog that mutual trust builds over time but there needs to be something from the outset that indicates that this could be possible between you both.

What other qualities should our aspirational, superhero have, do you think?

This a list of some of the qualities I think make a real ‘superhero’:

1. Communication – see the April blog for more insight but I think this is an awesome quality. Talking is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to communication; listening and acting on what’s been said make a huge difference to us and we feel valued and worthwhile.
2. Loyal – someone who will be there for you, a committed friend who will stick-up for you when it really counts.
3. Kind – does this sound like an old-fashioned, weak word? I don’t think so.  When someone is kind to us, we don’t forget it. Kindness is definitely a strong quality that can set someone apart in true superhero style!
4. Forgiving – if a friend is only a friend whilst we get everything right but as soon as we mess up they bail out, they aren’t really a friend. Being with someone who forgives me is massively important because I know I’m not going to get things right all of the time.
5. Respectful – I’ve mentioned mutual trust but mutual respect is also important to me. How someone treats us, how they speak about us and to us I think needs to be underpinned with respect.  Lack of respect can lead to all sorts of challenges so let this be one of your superhero aspirations!
6. Fun – this isn’t the last on this little list because it’s the least important thing – not at all! It’s last for this reason:  Often a relationship starts with having fun and if the fun continues after being together for some time, the chances are all of the above qualities are likely to be present too!

Now, as I’ve already mentioned, I’m not implying that our ‘superhero’ has to be perfect, but if the person of our dreams isn’t even interested in any of the above we should perhaps accept that they aren’t the person we should be with right now.  What we don’t want to do is to decide that for example, although they show no respect whatsoever towards us, they seem really ‘interested’ in us and so we will forget that particular aspiration and hope it doesn’t matter too much.  I believe these qualities are fundamental and whilst we all know that we are better at some than others, if the intention is to genuinely improve then that’s exhibiting real superhero determination and an unwillingness to give up.

So, I say aim high, aspire for the kind of relationship that is based on a good friendship where both parties share similar values and in amongst the laughs and having fun together, they are seeking a superhero – not one in a crazy costume trying to save the world but someone wanting each other’s ‘personal world’ to be the best it can be.

Emma and Harry, aged 20 and engaged to be married!

At just 20 years old, Harry Manning and Emma-Jane Girdlestone are engaged!  They haven’t set a date yet but are planning on saying ‘I do’ to each other in the Summer of 2018.   They are pretty young to be getting married; according to the office of national statistics: ‘For those entering their first marriage in 2013, the average age was 32.5 years for men and 30.6 years for women, representing increases of almost 8 years since 1973.’

Of course, 50 years ago, they wouldn’t have been considered young to tie the knot and even today in certain parts of the world, getting married in your very early twenties is not so unusual.  So how ready are they for marriage?  How do they know if they are right for each other? These questions and more were put to Harry and Emma over coffee and waffles and here’s what they had to say…..

Tell me a little about yourselves, are you working, studying or both?
Harry (H): I’m a sports coach for primary schools in Havering, working for Stretch UK.
Emma (E): Deputy Youth and Children’s minister at The Church of the Good Shepherd (unpaid role) and doing a degree in theology, mission and ministry.  I also work a small amount of time as an assistant coach (alongside Harry) with Stretch UK for some extra cash.
H: (Laughing and smiling) At Stretch, Emma has to let me be the leader for once!

How long have you known each other?
H: We’ve known each other since February last year.
E: That’s a year and three months.

That’s not a huge amount of time, when did you get engaged?
E: Last month (April) and technically, we’ve only been together for 9 months.

Emma and Harry were introduced to each other in February 2016 by their friend David at a youth event:
E: I said to David “I’m begging you don’t do this, I don’t want a relationship!”.  A week before I’d written in my journal that I didn’t want to meet anyone until I was 25 – ‘no it’s not happening’.  I didn’t want this person to turn up, I didn’t want to like him. The pressure was on because we were being set up.  If David had not said that and we’d met, it would have been different. When we met though, we ended up chatting for hours, but that night, I knew I was going to marry him and I thought this is a disaster!

“….that night, I knew I was going to marry him and I thought this is a disaster!”

Why didn’t you want to meet anyone until you were 25?
E: Mainly because of the challenges of past relationships.  I’d had a really long-term relationship from when I was 14 to 16 and when we broke up, things were difficult at that time.  I then ended up getting into another relationship a year later.  I didn’t think I was fully ready but allowed the attention to feed my emotions.  As time went on, it became clear we weren’t right for one another.  We broke up in October 2015 and then it was an ‘on and off’ situation until the January.  Then in the February I met Harry!

Harry and Emma had said technically they’d only been together 9 months and that’s because close friends and people of influence in Emma’s life didn’t think Harry was a good idea for her because of his previous ‘messy’ relationship:
E: I spoke with some friends and said “I’ve met Harry Manning”!  Their response was, “no, he’s not for you”, but I knew I was going to marry him.  I’m very ‘justice’ focused, he’s more ‘grace’ focused and my sense of justice was frustrated because I felt as though they’d made a judgement on him when some of them didn’t even know him.
H: ….And she also fancied me, it’s not all about justice!
E: (Speaking to Harry and laughing) “You were such a hassle at the beginning and I could have given up but I stood up for you!” This whole process took a while for everyone to come on board so we were together in secret until the end of last July.
E: We’d said that we’d be friends only.
H: But I didn’t want to be just friends.
E: That choice was so stupid though because we both knew the end result, we knew what was coming.  In the back of my head we knew we weren’t just friends but said let’s just honour the end result and not go public until then…. but there was a level in which we weren’t just friends, it was inevitable.

Tell me more about when you met and how your first date come about?
H: At the time of the youth event where we’d met, it’d been about 5-6 months since my last relationship had ended.  I was craving romance and I really liked Emma but it didn’t seem right to chase her and thought if she adds me on to Facebook I’ll go for it.
E: Irony is that I got home and had fully expected him to add me on to Facebook and he didn’t and I was like, ‘I’m not going there first’, so I sat there stubborn and went through the whole of the next day and he still didn’t add me and I’m like, ‘who is this kid?’ And I journaled, ‘what’s going on, why do I have these feelings?’  Then I thought, ‘I’m just going to add him and be that strong independent woman’ and eventually that night I added him and he obviously took that as a sign.
H: (Excited voice) When I looked at my phone and saw that she’d added me I was like so excited and I accepted it and I still have the message on my phone.
E: We met again at a party just a few days later and then I asked her out and our first date was to the Cinema and then to Nandos.

What do you enjoy doing together?
H: When we have money, if we can, we’d usually go up to London and explore.
E: It’s really good fun, we are quite adventurous together, we want to explore new things so we rarely do the same thing twice.
H: We’ve been to museums, the zoo, the aquarium, ice-skating….
E: We both want to travel together in the future too.

Do you argue and if so, what happens when you argue?
E: At the beginning of our relationship, we argued quite a bit, just quite immature in it.  We are quite similar in how we handle things, we are quite ‘shouty’, if one of us starts shouting, the other one will rise-up louder and then we are in a match of volume, we are so stubborn, neither of us wanting to back down.  However, we both absolutely hate being shouted at and so we got to a point a few months in, (it wasn’t that we were having an argument every night but when we did, it wasn’t handled well), of realising we needed to grow up a bit more and consider ‘how are we going to handle this situation?’  But it was still a struggle for a few months.
H: The arguments we had after that conversation didn’t end up being as big.
E: We went through a process of learning and now we very rarely ‘blow’ and our communication has massively improved.  When a disagreement came, we’d get irritated but we’d recognise that we can’t shout and would cool it down.   We’ve grown to a place where we communicate, so a lot of the time, if Harry irritated me, I’d say “you’re irritating me”, we’d talk about it and then you’d give me a hug, I’d say, “there we go, we got there, we’re all done, it’s all finished”.

“At the beginning of our relationship, we argued quite a bit, just quite immature in it…..we needed to grow up a bit more and consider ‘how are we going to handle this situation?’  But it was still a struggle for a few months.”

Do you think forgiveness is important?
H: Yes, I’ve had to realise that some of the stuff we’ve argued about in the past I haven’t sincerely apologised for or we haven’t actually sorted it out.  Several times, passed issues came up and I’d ask Emma “why are we talking about this?” And it’s turned out that she’s still quite angry about it, and I’ve asked, “are you actually really angry about this?” Once we went back to loads of different arguments and I said “ok, what else are you still angry about, what else have you not got over?”  And honestly, I’ve had to explain to her and say “I’m really sorry for that” because I hadn’t actually apologised properly.  When I’ve said I’m really sorry and Emma’s forgiven me, the issues from the past were then dealt with.

What have you learnt about each other and how to communicate and how has that impacted your relationship?
E: I’m more of an extrovert and we are often really busy.  I love being busy and can go from one thing to the next, but this can be too much for Harry.  He has to have time out and I know that now.  So tonight after a busy day, we’ll put a movie on and I’ll play with his hair and it will be a completely chilled out evening. Recently when we were out in the car and we’d had a really busy time, Harry had become snappy but it was his introvert personality crying out for some space.  That sense of justice in me was wanting to say, “don’t talk to me like that”.  But I didn’t say anything, I just stayed silent.  His love language is touch and when we arrived at our destination and got out of the car, I just gave him a hug and immediately his attitude changed.  Understanding each other in this way has been a massive transformation in our relationship over the past 4-5 months.
E: Just recently, I’d really been struggling with an essay for my degree and Harry came over to mine and helped me through it, he knew exactly how to calm me down and support me.  We’ve both grown a lot and this wouldn’t have happened 8 months ago.

H: At the start of our relationship, I thought that I was an amazing boyfriend, ‘she’s going to love me and all of my ways are perfect’ and I didn’t think I had to change, so I always thought that she was in the wrong at the start. This attitude was in part due to my reaction to the complications of my last relationship and that girlfriend’s constant ‘put-down’ of me.
E: He’d never had the experience of ‘learning someone else’ his ex-girlfriend had just told him off, told him what to do and how he should be. We are very affectionate with each other and Harry never had that before.  We have both now learnt to respond to each other in ways that we ourselves want to be treated.
H: When I was younger and my dad would lose his temper with me, my response was to lose my temper too.  Then as I grew up I learnt to listen to what was being said behind his temper.  So whenever Emma would get upset about something, instead of responding with my natural reaction, I had to stop.  I’d want to respond and say “you’re just being stupid”, but I’ve learned to listen to what is being said behind the emotion.
E: We had one of those crucial moments earlier on when we were arguing and I remember getting to a point of “RIGHT, sit down” and I explained, “if you do this action, this causes this emotion, this emotion causes this in me and then I’m left hurt afterwards”.  I felt so bad because speaking that way was so patronising and if it were said to me, I would receive it so badly, but he was saying, “that makes so much sense, I’ll do that in the future”.  We’ve had to learn how each other receives things.

When did you first say “I love you”?
E: (Speaking to Harry) “In the first month, you told me that you thought you were falling in love with me and I didn’t say it back, so that was fun!”  It was because of the initial negativity around Harry (which I’d wrestled with), that I decided I couldn’t tell him the truth about my feelings.  I knew what he’d be like if I told him I loved him; nothing would stop him and he’d say “we’ve got to get together” and then not wait until July before officially telling others we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  Once it was official I told him I loved him.  In the meantime, everyday he’d tell me that he loved me.
H: Yeah, I was a bit rubbish, a bit uncool, I couldn’t control myself, my mum would say, “just calm down Harry, be cool, slow down or you’ll scare her away”!

When did marriage first come up in the conversation?
E: Despite holding back from telling Harry that I loved him, within the first couple of months of our relationship we had chatted and asked ourselves “what is this, what are we actually saying about each other?”  We both agreed we’d be getting married.
E: The discussion had come up before Christmas and Harry would have married me straight away.  I said I’m not getting married before the end of the third year of my degree and others were saying this to me too but I wrestled with the idea.  Then others were saying to us “why are you waiting until the end of year three if you know you want to be married?”.   I then began giving the idea of getting married at the end of year two a lot of thought and once I’d made that decision that it was right for us, I stopped stressing and got really excited.
E: In the December, Harry, without telling me his plans, just came out with it at my parents that we wanted to get married and it didn’t go down well.

“….without telling me his plans, Harry just came out with it at my parents that we wanted to get married and it didn’t go down well.”

H: I hadn’t told Emma, I was really nervous and just thought, ‘I’ve got to do this’.  Emma was like, ‘what’s he doing?’, she was really angry and upset with me because I didn’t go through it with her first.
E: It was a really painful process and that day I cried with Harry.  The next day, I went to see my family and their issues with the marriage were our ages, that we don’t have any money, that my parents couldn’t help us out financially, Harry doesn’t have a full-time job and is on a low wage.  So it was mainly practical issues.  If Harry had a full-time job, that would have been a big shift in their minds and they may have actually considered that we might be mature enough.  I told them that they had to stop worrying and I said “I can promise you that in 20 years time, you’ll be sitting there looking after the grandkids”.  My parents said that they have no doubt that it will last, they just need to see that Harry can take care of me.
E: This was a reality check for us both, that tough stuff happens and that’s what marriage is about, the good times and the hard times, both now and in the future, even the reflection that we will see each other’s parents die and would walk with each other through this and everything.
H: In February, I texted Emma’s dad and then met with him in March to ask for his blessing.
E: I didn’t want Harry to ask for permission to marry me but wanted him to ask for my dad’s blessing because I knew it was important to my mum.
E: After the initial mention of marriage in the December and the fact that Harry had brought it up without discussing with me first, we talked about the importance of being a team, doing things together and this is something that has grown.

“…tough stuff happens and that’s what marriage is about, the good times and the hard times…”

The proposal!
H: I decided to propose on her birthday weekend and had bought three birthday cards as part of the plan.  On the Thursday, we went out for something to eat and I gave her the first card that included a cute message about how much I loved her and then a question at the end, ‘how much do you love me?’  On the Friday, we went to the zoo and I gave her the second card.  Inside I’d written ‘I love the adventure we’ve been on today and I’d like to carry on having adventures for the rest of my life with you, how far will you travel with me?’  On the Saturday, we went to London and I took her to the roof-top garden in Canary Wharf.  I gave her the third card which had another cute message about God’s promises and the promises I have for our relationship and that I have another promise I’d like to make to her.  Followed by ‘Ask me what the last question is?’ I said “have you read it?” And Emma said, “what’s the last question?” I got down on one knee and said “will you marry me?” (Emma said yes of course!)

What sort of wedding would you like?
E: Church wedding, White dress, rustic, vintage, fun, we don’t want a ‘sit-down’ because that’s not really us, informal, simple.
H: (Harry smiling) Not long ago Emma asked, “what suit are you wearing for the wedding?” I answered, “I don’t know yet”.  “Well you’re not allowed to wear blue”.
E: It’s got to match everything else!

How did you know you were right for each other and how did you know you were in love?
H: I get on so well with Emma from the beginning, we enjoy lots of the same things and although some parts haven’t been easy and we’ve had to work at it, when I look back, it’s been so easy to get on with Emma, we just connect, we’re best friends.
H: How we knew we loved each other is different.  I don’t think you can ever just decide and say “you know what, I think I’m in love with her”.  It just happens over time and you begin to know that you want to be with them for the rest of your life.   I’ve never had before what I have with Emma; holding hands, her affection towards me, knowing each other well and responding positively to this and thinking that I want this for the rest of my life.  We are best friends and I’m attracted to her so all of these things together… yeah I just want to be with her for the rest of my life, you don’t really realise it’s coming – love, it just suddenly appears in your life.
E: When I met Harry, I had an immediate connection with him.  In past relationships, I was determined I didn’t want to lose my identity but was instead made to feel insecure and so I really lacked trust because of this which is something we’ve had to work on.  But, from the day I met him, I’ve not wanted another day without him – yes, I’m in love!  Last summer, we went to Southend and had so much fun together and had been laughing all day – yeah, we’re best friends.  We realised that we’d actually not kissed or held hands at all that day because we were just having such a laugh and had so much to say and so we hadn’t noticed.

“…we just connect, we’re best friends…you don’t really realise it’s coming – love, it just suddenly appears in your life”.

What do you think are the most important things needed to make a relationship work?
E: Trust, communication, love and friendship.
H: I don’t think you can be best friends without communicating well, or being able to laugh with each other so if I had to put it under one phrase I’d put it under ‘best friend’ because it covers everything.  I trust my best friend, I can communicate with my best friend, I get along with my best friend, my best friend cares about me, they want to do what I want to do and I want to do what they want to do.

It was amazing to spend time with Harry and Emma and hear their story.  They were an inspiration to listen to as they talked about overcoming the challenges of a relationship, valuing their relationship enough to tackle the tough questions, being willing to be open and vulnerable with each other in order to grow together, learning to say sorry and why that has been important to them and how all of these things have clearly enabled them to trust and love each other more.

They are so completely committed to each other and whilst they are excited about the big day, they were even more excited about the marriage that will come after!

Why all the fuss about communication?

When it comes to relationships, there seems to be a lot of fuss about the importance of communication – but why?  We can all do that, can’t we?

We often hear that communication is important to make a relationship successful but surely that’s stating the obvious; doesn’t everyone communicate all the time?  I say something and then the person I’m speaking to says something back and communication has taken place, it’s as simple as that, isn’t it?

But the truth is, it’s not that simple.  It certainly could be argued that we communicate a great deal of the time; verbally and non-verbally and this isn’t just to do with our facial expression or what our bodies might be communicating; our clothes, our choices in food, music, film all say something about us.  So we can be communicating a huge amount without necessarily saying much at all.

‘…..we can be saying a huge amount without saying much at all.’

But one of the biggest mistakes we can probably make is thinking that communication is a one-way street that we take turns to walk down.  Communication must include listening too and not the type of listening that acts as a springboard for our next, own personal bit of news or opinions.  If we are not careful, we can end up ‘waiting’ (and not listening) until there’s a gap for us to speak again.

Some of us can find speaking more difficult than listening. Depending on character, some prefer to listen and process what has been communicated before being willing to give anything of themselves away.  This will often be down to a fear of making themselves vulnerable or it might be that they don’t actually want to say much and that’s just their nature.  Our personalities are all very different but whatever our approach, good communication is one of the key elements to a good relationship and bad communication can potentially be the nail in the coffin of what may have been a very special or important relationship.  This may be a romantic relationship or it might be a friendship.  If we want to have happy, healthy and positive relationships we must know how to communicate well.

How do we know if we are communicating well?  I’m the sort of person that can find films, books, TV drama’s etc. really frustrating when two people refuse to communicate properly and on occasion, I can find myself yelling at the screen “just tell them the truth” or “talk to them, they’ll listen if you give them a chance!”.  For example, everyone will have seen the animation ‘Shrek’, Shrek is about to present Princess Fiona with a sunflower and tell her how he feels about her, but before he does, he overhears her speaking to Donkey and she says “Princess and ugly just don’t go together”.  Straight away, he assumes that she must be talking about him and doesn’t realise that she’s been cursed as an Ogre by night and this is what she’s ashamed of, not Shrek.  BUT annoyingly, rather than talking to her about it, he bottles up his feelings and thinks he’s no good.  Princess Fiona isn’t much better either because she’s trying to keep this curse from Shrek – they just aren’t communicating!  Now of course, with most films, there is always a certain amount of miscommunication to keep the story moving along but they could have saved themselves a lot of heartache if they’d both been honest with each other.

Being open and honest in relationships is difficult because we may have to admit we are wrong or make ourselves vulnerable but if we can’t be truthful then the relationship is doomed to fail!

‘Being open and honest in relationships is difficult because we may have to admit we are wrong…’

There are of course ways to tell people things that might be difficult for them to hear but brutal honesty isn’t always the way forward.  We need to be aware of how we communicate, particularly if the person we are in a relationship with is someone we truly value and don’t want to lose.

Speaking in a way that shows that we have understood their point of view is vital.  Relationships work when we are willing to give and not just take.  It can’t just be about us, how we feel, our needs, our opinions our general sense of self-importance, we need to consider their perspective, how they feel, their needs and opinions too.  This can make or break a relationship and if you feel as though you’re doing all the listening and
understanding of their perspective but are not receiving the same back despite asking them to do otherwise, you may have to question the future of that relationship.

The flip side of the coin however is if we think we have listened and understood the person but we choose not to open up ourselves, we are being unfair to them; remember that communication is not a one-way street.  In the same way that we can’t know all that is going on in someone else’s mind unless they communicate with us, neither can they know all that is going on in our mind unless we tell them.  It’s unfair to expect understanding if we’ve not said what’s going on in our head!

Communication is a powerful tool that used well can reap huge benefits resulting in strong, healthy relationships but there is a type of communication that can, at its very worst do the opposite.  Communication can be used to manipulate a person to get what we want.  A typical trait of this kind of behaviour involves telling someone part of the truth but not all of it which we justify by saying that we haven’t lied (just kept info back) so it’s ok.   We can also be adept at knowing what someone wants to hear which we use to our advantage.  For example, flattering someone, saying lots of nice things in order to soften them up so that when we ask them to do something for us, they don’t feel that they can say no.  Manipulation is a subject area in its own right and I don’t want to deviate off the main topic but just be aware how easy it is to fall into the trap of manipulating others for our own gain.

‘We can also be adept at knowing what someone wants to hear which we use to our advantage.’

Ok, so now a quote from a great writer; George Bernard-Shaw:

This is probably the most dangerous place to be, thinking we’ve communicated but actually, we were nowhere close!  I don’t say this to frighten but rather to make sure we are aware that it’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we do communicate when we still have work to do to maintain our relationships.  Rather than leaving us in a place of doubt and fear, I thought I might offer a checklist of things to look out for.  This is by no means a definitive list, search for other stuff too but these pointers might just help:

1. Learn to listen to understand the perspective of the person you are speaking with.
2. Be honest and this will encourage the listener to be the same with you.
3. Don’t bottle up your feelings.
4. Don’t try and always be the ‘winner’ in difficult conversations, show humility and say sorry when you’re wrong.
5. Be kind in the way you speak.
6. Stay connected; take an interest in their news and let them know what’s going on in your life.
7. Don’t let frustrations fester, talk openly to avoid barriers being built.
8. Give them your complete attention and don’t allow your focus to drift.
9. Don’t assume that you know the whole story, check your facts.
10. Be willing to forgive.

‘Beauty and the Beast’, another clichéd fairy tale or truths ‘as old as time’?

Fairy tales always end with all the loose ends tied up and the good and kind characters living happily ever after – we expect that, we depend upon that and we’d be disappointed if we got anything other than that!  Some of the favourite and earliest classics such as Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty could be described as clichéd with their interpretation of ‘happily ever after’; the pretty girl waiting to be rescued by the handsome prince and evil witches and step-mothers getting their just deserts.

Whilst this formula seems to be what many fairy tales are made of, Disney has also moved with the times and we have seen some much stronger female characters, since Snow White animated her way onto our screens.  Characters such as Belle from Beauty and the Beast who actually came to the rescue of the Prince have an enduring quality and along with the Oscar winning score we are inevitably keen to re-visit the film time and again. So, news that Beauty and the Beast would be released as a live-action Disney movie caused quite a stir.  In fact, the excitement was so great, the trailer broke records with 127.6 million views in its first 24 hours online!

I have always been a big fan of the 1991 animation and I promise you that I’m not simply a Disney fanatic that lives life wishing for birds, animals and indeed cups, saucers and wardrobes to burst into song at any given moment.  I love the characters and I enjoyed the greater depth that was given to some of the principal parts in the new movie such as Belle as we were taken on a brief journey into her past.  Emma Watson was utterly convincing in her interpretation of the bookish and intellectual young girl who was not to be persuaded by the ‘celebrity’ status awarded to Gaston (played by Luke Evans), the good-looking, arrogant, narcissistic hunter that was not used to being refused or turned down.  This is one of the central relationship messages of the story; that real beauty is about character and what is inside a person rather than what is seen on the outside.

Gaston is driven by prestige and appearance hence he relies on the empty adoration of those around him and in his pursuit of Belle, it doesn’t even occur to him to seek a friendship with her before deciding he wants to have her for himself insisting that he’ll marry her. After all he says to his friend LeFou that she is “the most beautiful girl in the town, which makes her the best”. This kind of attitude and behaviour is simply not going to win the heart of courageous, genuine and intelligent Belle.

Let’s not forget that Gaston isn’t the only character that demonstrates a preoccupation with personal vanity and outward beauty; the film begins with the back-story to the curse that is on the Beast (played by Dan Stevens).  Before he was turned into a Beast, he was a handsome and self-indulgent prince that would not help and could not tolerate the haggard appearance of the old woman that comes to his castle seeking shelter. Little does he know that the old woman is an enchantress who promptly places a curse on him that can only be broken by true love.  And if things can’t get any worse, this is a time limited offer, a curse with a ‘use-by-date’ – an enchanted red rose is given to the prince and if true love has not been found before the last petal drops, he will stay a Beast forever!

Belle is the polar opposite of the shallow Gaston, evident in the selfless and sacrificial love that she shows towards her father by offering to take his place as prisoner in the Beast’s castle.  It is whilst she is held captive that the true, gentle and caring nature of the Prince is slowly encouraged to surface through Belle’s kind and generous heart.  This much we are all very familiar with but we don’t necessarily take the story any further into our own lives because let’s be honest, this is just a fairy tale; even the worst kind of date doesn’t have hooves for feet, a tail, horns coming out of their head and an overall Chewbacca like complexion!

However, we can so easily take these kinds of stories for granted rather than allowing them to actually show us something about real life.  Most of us I’m sure would say that we’d prefer to end up with a relationship like Belle and the Prince, to be with someone that likes us because of our personality and vice versa.  But their relationship didn’t happen overnight!  They didn’t even see the ‘in-love’ part of the relationship coming.  It began with Belle not standing for the Beast’s angry outbursts and not giving into him when he roared at her but being willing to forgive him rather than holding a grudge.  Belle was patient with him and their friendship came first, enjoying shared interests like reading and compromising to accommodate each other’s differences (I’m thinking of that scene when they drink from the soup bowls!).  Belle persevered with the Beast despite his scary appearance and when they spent time with each other, they looked past the exterior and looked into each other’s eyes – nicely emphasised with Dan Stevens’ blue eyes!  The phrase ‘eyes are the window to the soul’ seems quite apt here.

This might all sound rather one-sided as though it was all about an almost perfect Belle but the Beast had his part to play in a willingness to let someone else into his life, to make himself vulnerable despite how desperate he felt about himself and his decidedly depressing, dead-end circumstances.  Until now, he’d kept pushing people (or in his case furniture, crockery and candlesticks) away so this was a big deal for the Beast.  There is such a lot of pressure to maintain a façade and not let friends see the ‘real us’ and in our celebrity culture we can be quick to make judgments about others because they have a particular look.  Perhaps we also make judgement because others are different to the apparent norm in the way that Belle was judged negatively by the villagers because she was into her books!  (What kind of village did she live in?  That’s probably a topic for another blog!).

So what can we take away from this film apart from the magical, musical extravaganza of the ‘Be Our Guest’ scene, the brilliant performances by some incredible A-Lister actors and actresses and the awesome CGI used to create the Beast’s hair through to the enchanting ballroom sequence?  We can take away some of the fundamentals of good relationships and can begin to see those around us with new eyes, to not simply look at the outward appearance (this isn’t just a fairy tale cliché it’s a genuine truth) to understand that it takes time to get to know someone and therefore time to build trust, that beauty takes many forms and we must be willing to seek it out rather than give into pressure with the ‘Gaston-like’ characters and to avoid being that kind of person ourselves.

The Beauty and the Beast title song features that classic line ‘tale as old as time’ because it is pretty old, the origins of this fairy tale, according to researchers, apparently go back approximately 4000 years though the original Beauty and the Beast story was written by the French author, Madame Gabrielle-Suzanne de Villeneuve in 1740; La Belle et La Bête.  Why has this old tale endured, why does it still speak to us in our social media, celebrity driven culture?  I believe that the truths and values of Beauty and the Beast are also as old as time and why it has generated a frenzy of Disney magic and excitement among millions of people.  If every person could genuinely begin to apply what might be argued as a cliché, that beauty is found within they would discover that this is a ‘truth as old as time’.

From the perspective of Explore more! there’s clearly a great deal to ‘explore’ regarding relationships but it’s also a spectacular Disney, with an imaginative storyline, exquisite CGI, compelling performances, an action-packed film with wide appeal and overall, great entertainment.  Should you go and see it?  Absolutely!